Infidelity

The unthinkable has happened.

You can’t believe it. This devastating event cannot happen to you, not to this relationship. Maybe, you’re thinking, not again.

Devastation. Despair. Grief. Rage. Anger. Sad. Hopeless.

These are just a few emotions a betrayed person feels. Infidelity turns their world upside down. Nothing is recognizable any longer, and nothing, and no one, is trustworthy anymore. Upon learning of the lies and deceit, the initial disbelief quickly turns into these emotions.

There are no two ways around it – infidelity is a catastrophic event in a committed relationship. It is and cannot be explained away or justified. And there is no “reason” why this choice is a good choice.

Believing and practicing this way, I will add that two people are in the relationship. I want to hear and know both. I will be curious and encourage you to share your feelings, perspectives, and truths. I will not allow for “excuses.” The quicker we can get real, the better you will be.

Accountability on both sides is crucial.

Through the continuous flow of questions that bombard you externally and internally, I appreciate that you haven’t ruled out healing, forgiving, growth, repair, and reconnection as options in this challenging time. You wouldn’t be here if you had.

Through working with couples who are experiencing or have experienced infidelity in the past, I have discovered a singular truth about this kind of struggle. The story you tell yourself about the why, how, when, where, etc., is not the story your partner knows.

Both stories are significant and contain meaning. They deserve to be told and heard. This approach is not to excuse or justify; it is to learn and understand so you can move forward together.

Let’s be honest.

If you hadn’t been looking to heal from this together and continue the relationship, your Google search would have landed you on a different website!

If you believed your partner was worthless and had no redeeming qualities, whether you are the betrayed or the betrayer, you would not waste your time with therapy. You would have moved on to lawyers and movers. But you are here, and I can help both of you.

“Sometimes, we have to be broken down so that
we can be rebuilt into what we’re actually meant to be.”
– Author Unknown

What if I told you that infidelity could serve a positive purpose? Would you believe me? I know how it sounds because it was unfathomable for me to wrap my head around such a crazy concept. The more I read, researched, and worked with couples regarding this subject, the more I realized how true this can be.

Mary* and Bob* came to me on the brink of divorce.

Mary had discovered Bob’s cheating six months before our first session. Much to their credit, they gave it a hearty try to mend and rejoin on their own after discovering the affair, but it wasn’t enough.

Bob was very forthcoming with his ownership, almost to the point that it “seemed” he made this decision very flippantly – this lack of “why” served to hurt Mary session after session. The hurt quickly became anger, and they started to move faster toward divorce than a true reconciliation.

Not wanting to justify his choices, Bob stayed stoic for weeks. Finally, Mary felt relieved once he opened up and shared his feelings and perspectives on life before the affair. She had an answer to the question that had plagued her for months. And now they could work on healing, rebuilding, forgiving (one another and themselves), and strengthening their once strong bond even more.

Mary and Bob did not have an easy road, but they committed to each other to do the work. The couple who eventually walked out of my office for the final time was closer, kinder, more understanding of each other, and more affectionate than the couple they described to me on their wedding day. They were excited to continue their journey and discover what was in store for them in “Marriage #2!”

Infidelity does not have to be the end of the relationship.

Instead, infidelity should serve as the end of “that relationship” and an opportunity to rediscover each other. This rediscovery can lead to your new relationship.

This new relationship can have a deeper connection, a more substantial commitment, and an expert realization that no one is infallible, and no relationship is untouchable without consistent work, attention, affection, and kindness.

You both deserve another chance to make better choices. Call or email me today.

*The names above are fictitious and represent composites of couples I have previously worked with.