Individual Therapy

Kendall* – “What is wrong with me?”

“I’m alone again. I thought this time it would be different. I give so much to my relationships and rarely get anything back. What am I doing wrong?”

Kendall is a client who is so familiar to me, professionally and personally. Most women receive encouragement to be nurturers from an early age. One of our main objectives was to make sure that everyone we love is taken care of.

I ask many clients, “Who takes care of you? Who has taken care of you in the past?” Unfortunately, so often, the answer to both questions is “no one.” And, just as frequently, it comes as such a surprise to realize that they care for everyone, and no one (including themselves) takes care of them.

Naomi* – “Why can’t I move on?”

“Everyone tells me to get over it, and I know they’re right, so why can’t I? Everyone else seems to be able to move forward from pain. I’m the idiot or the weakling who can’t, I guess.”

Naomi heard comments about society’s discomfort with hearing about, seeing, or experiencing pain and, unfortunately, has bought what they are selling. Ugliness happens in the world, and we are a population with many people who want to “change the channel” when things get too real, tragic, painful, or sad.

When asked how she would respond to a friend sharing her pain, Naomi quickly tears up while offering them support, empathy, validation, compassion, and encouragement.

When asked about her tears, she shares her sadness at realizing that she can offer more than what others offer her and that she is never on the receiving end.

Priscilla* – “Who am I?”

“I see the familiar face looking at me every morning in the mirror, yet I do not recognize the person behind the eyes. What happened to all the dreams I had? All the ambitions? How did I let myself get so derailed and end up here?”

Priscilla is not alone in these feelings. She told me how her once youthful goals and aspirations, which seemed so attainable, have slipped through her fingers through the years.

Priscilla spent decades being who she should be in her mind or who others told her to be while losing sight of who she wanted to be. And now, she struggles with what to do next and feels lost. Maybe she’s married, and she even questions who lies next to her every night. Perhaps she is divorced, widowed, single, or dating. Whatever her relationship status is, she exists in so many women at a certain point in their lives. Confusion hits when a woman envisions what she wants compared to what she believes she deserves.

Everyone comes to individual therapy for different reasons.

Although there is no exact “Kendall,” “Naomi,” or “Priscilla,” I can also say I’ve worked with hundreds of these women. No two stories or experiences are the same, and no two conclusions to their stories are the same.

I honor that in every client I meet. Even though there may be similar themes, struggles, and pain, every client is unique and is treated as such when working with me.

Kendall struggled to realize her worth.

She had always been the caregiver, and it was a role she was comfortable with.

Our work together did not prevent her from caring about others. However, it did change who she gave that level of care to, including herself. She learned the importance of setting healthy boundaries and maintaining them.

Kendall found freedom in asking for what she needed and relying on herself to provide when others couldn’t. And, when quickly recognizing old patterns, she could leave unhealthy relationships believing she deserved better.

Work with Naomi was slow-moving.

She needed time to find a level of comfort with me that she hadn’t often experienced, and that was ok. It was more important that she take the time she needed than to rush into sharing every detail of her pain before she was ready to do so.

We worked through the abuse from her past, and we processed through the shame and guilt she felt, even though she was the victim, the survivor. Through our work, she learned to permit herself to have feelings about what had happened and permit herself to allow herself to have feelings forever.

Trauma doesn’t “go away.” We don’t “get over it.” Specific experiences from our past will live with us forever. We can learn how to live with the pain and experience it differently each day, but never expect it to leave us indefinitely.

Strength, pride, and resiliency were some of the qualities Naomi described herself as having near the end of our time working together.

It was easy to envision myself in Priscilla.

Being a woman in my 50s now, Priscilla is someone I could have easily identified with had I made different decisions in my life. The sadness that had dimmed her once sparkling eyes catches your breath. I read that sadness as being from the past, remaining in the present, and heading toward the future.

She sat before me but had little hope that this would make any difference in her life. She often questioned if she was acting self-serving by complaining that life hadn’t turned out how she had hoped and planned. One of our first goals was to shift that perspective and reframe how she viewed these sessions.

We talked about her past. My curiosity about her past, experiences, perspectives, and feelings was new to her. She had been shut down by so many around her, silenced by those who were “closest” to her, that she was a bit stunned to realize how present I was with her in session and all that I remembered about her as our work continued.

She felt seen and heard, and while that was not a familiar feeling, it was a good one! Priscilla recognized that she had value and essential things to share with others and began looking positively to the future. This forward-thinking was a very unfamiliar place for her, but it was another good one!

What keeps you up at night?

Whether you identify with one of these examples or you don’t, we all have those things that plague us from time to time or more often. We tell ourselves we are making too much out of it. It’s normal to feel “this way” or “that way.” Or we tell ourselves that how we think is wrong, that there is something inherently different about us, or that we are just crazy.

Although I specialized in working with couples during my graduate program, I have found a different fulfillment when working with individuals. As most of my clients are women, it’s almost like a secret sisterhood. Secret because I am the only person who knows all the members! But a sisterhood, nonetheless.

Every woman I meet with possesses strength, resilience, and a survivalist mentality. While the softer, nurturing, and caring sides of being a woman remain, the necessary parts are also present. And when all these pieces come together, it is a beautiful sight.

When clients reach the point where they love themselves and choose themselves without feeling selfish or at the expense of their loved ones, that is a great day. Let’s achieve that great day together!

* Kendall, Naomi, and Priscilla are composites of actual clients/issues. I changed the names to honor and respect their anonymity.