Couples Therapy

Anger made Janelle* and Ryan* come to me on the brink of divorce.

They flipped a coin about whether they would call lawyers or meet with a therapist. The tension was thick when they entered my office; I felt their pain and empathized immediately without knowing their story.

Betrayals, lack of open communication, and breaches of trust caused them to lose connection. They couldn’t even remember what brought them together in the first place. Those memories had been replaced with anger.

The anger, fueled by the pain each inflicted on the other, played a significant role in their relationship and family. Their kids felt it, and neither knew how to stop the mounding boulder barreling down the hill destined for destruction.

Life’s challenges created sadness for Katherine* and Monica*.

They were college sweethearts. Both found themselves when they found each other. The attraction felt was instantaneous, and the passion was powerful. They shared memories from their early years together in our early sessions but with tears on the brink of falling.

The last few years were particularly difficult for them. Significant life changes, financial challenges, and issues with extended family led to the two drifting further apart. They longed for how they used to lean on and support one another, but both felt utterly alone.

The sadness both felt filled the room. Imagine a giant helium-filled balloon. Over time, there are tiny pinpricks, as “life” keeps coming at it. Eventually, those tiny pinpricks will create larger holes. The balloon deflates, becoming lifeless and failing. Katherine’s and Monica’s despair stood in the way of them seeing a way to inflate their balloon again.

Hopeless described the marriage of Charles* and Maryanne*.

When we started working together, they had been married for 30+ years. Charles was “fine” with their relationship. He shared in our first session that he was only there to appease his wife. He described their relationship as acceptable and “normal after so many years together; the spark can’t live forever.”

Maryanne had a different viewpoint – depicting a mixture of hurt, sadness, despair, anger, and hopelessness. I was the third therapist they had met with over the last number of years, and while Maryanne was the instigator of making the appointment for our first session, she didn’t believe anything could change between them.

Two very different perspectives existed in one relationship. Charles and Maryanne looked at each other in bewilderment, unable to comprehend how they saw things so unevenly. Neither viewpoint was wrong, which felt wrong for both. The power struggle was intense, and no one was close to compromising.

Find healing, reconnection, and growth.

We’ve all had moments when we feel anger so strongly that we swear steam is going to shoot out our ears, as so often happens in silly cartoons. Our emotions overtake us, and we can’t hear what others say. We are stuck in our perspective and refuse to acknowledge the other’s. We let that anger control the situation, the relationship, and ourselves.

Sadness and hopelessness can fuel our anger, or our anger can dissipate into feelings of utter despair. The scariest part of all this is when that morphs into unaffected and indifferent, both of which are the opposite of love.

Our work together will fight against this happening to your relationship. We need to start with healing. The pain, betrayals, and distrust are our starting points. We need to ask, “How did we get here?” We can only move forward if we recognize the distress signals that have been ignored for so long.

In our efforts to reestablish lost or damaged connections, we often realize how much we have changed over the years. The three vignettes above may not be “real” couples, but the issues and challenges, pain and anger, and desperation they felt are genuine and standard in the couples I see.

Change can be challenging, leading to all sorts of thoughts.

“What if I change it, and it’s still insufficient?”

“I’m angry that I must change; my spouse should accept me for who I am! I’m too old, set in my ways, and stubborn to change.”

“I simply do not want to change.”

Change and growth are choices. I am here to provide you with tools to help with the process. Whether it’s the mechanics of change, the “why” of change, or the clarity of its necessity in our relationships, I am here to walk through this with you both.

There are two sides and perspectives, and both are right.

You may be asking yourself, “How can this be?” I have become an expert at separating myself from the issues and viewing them objectively. You want to feel heard, and so does your partner. You have excellent reasons for your hurt, and so does your partner. Each person’s perspective is their truth. Just because we can’t see it their way does not mean they are wrong. It also doesn’t mean that we are wrong. We must work toward seeing each other and validating the emotions felt on both sides.

When working with me, you will feel heard and seen. You will have my validation and empathy while being challenged by me. You will feel emotionally safe, accepted, and not judged; if you ever do not, I implore you to let me know. Your comfort and security are important to me and crucial to our work together. I treat both partners the same.

Together, you can be rich again.

Let’s restore your partnership to the firm, committed, fun, loving connection that once was. I will help you heal from past pain, unresolved hurt, and betrayal and forgive each other and yourself. You will learn how to have those heart-to-heart conversations that only you can have and rekindle the passion you once felt.

Don’t let life’s challenges impact the relationship you once had. Let’s rebuild the bonds so you both can enjoy each other again!

*The names included here are fictional and composites of clients I have helped find their joy together again. I changed their names to honor and respect their anonymity.